Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I'm done....

All the time I get asked, “How do you do it? I don’t know how you've held up through all of this?” And tonight my reply is – I’m not.

In fact, I’m done. Tonight, I am officially throwing in the towel and walking away. I have nothing left. I give up. I’m packing up my hope. I’ve run out of prayers. And I’ve positive-thunk myself empty. I’m all done.

The advice doesn't even help:
- hold on, it will come – I can’t hold on anymore, my fingers are numb and I’m slipping.
- Think positive –yep, did that all along, yet here we are in our worst case scenario
- One day, this will all be over – yes, but I’m HERE now. Meet me in “one day” and together we’ll reflect on this day, but that doesn’t do anything to help get me there… ;-)

I had thought I’d have my babies home in October, maybe November. Dec was our worst case scenario and January was the unimaginable. Yet, here we are approaching our one year mark.
One year of loving these little boys and not having them in our arms.

I’m broken. I’m exhausted. And I’m out of Nyquil . LOL

So – I’m not going another step on this journey. I want off. What does that mean? Well, it’s like the last weeks of any pregnancy where your due date has come and gone and you’re SO over it, so done being pregnant. Unfortunately, in both of these cases, quitting is not an option.
Saying it, feels good. Like I have an option. But, the reality is – there is no quitting. Somewhere in my fuzzy brain, I feel like there is something to be learned there. Because there are times in life where we can quit and we do, but mayhaps we shouldn’t. Like when we quit depending on God, quit believin’ in Him. Quit being servants of His because sometimes it just gets too hard. Maybe God wants to give up on us sometimes. Maybe He too wants to quit when He sees all the pain and suffering we're causing each other and all the other messing up that goes on down here. But it’s not an option for Him either.

His commitment to us doesn’t have that clause, the one where you can walk away. Being a parent means you’re here for all of it.

Tonight my only request to God is to send me an angel. An angel to pick me up and wrap me in his wings and comfort me and to heal me so that tomorrow I can rise again, with renewed strength to walk this journey for Him, the journey that will lead me to my children.

And I am so thankful for the loved ones who stop by here to check in on our journey and our progress. Tonight, in my wekened state, I ask you all to please, hold onto my tools: Hope, Prayer, positive vibes. In fact, use them frequently for me.

I hope I will be ready to pick them up and start using them again in the mourning. ;-)


ManyBlessings said...

I know where you are because I've been there. More than once. You finally hit a wall where emotionally you just can't drain yourself one more ounce. It's so hard and yet it feels so good too. It feels so good to not feel the pain for just a bit.

It scared me when it happened to me the first time, because I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I didn't care about things one way or another. But then a good friend told me that those times of being "done" are God's little rest stops on a really rough journey. It's the way our heart deals with something so painful that it would kill a lesser person.

So you know what? No cheesey comments from me. Know that this too will pass. You will feel again and you will move on. Not in your own strength, but in His. In the meantime, accept this rest as a gift from Him. And know that you and those sweet little boys are being prayed over.


Henry Brummitt said...

Just know you are LOVED!!!!
(Tylenol PM works well too:)