Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The nose knows...

Premilinary info:  We have an old dog. Bless his little heart! Chubby is going on 15. I'm sure this is not how he envisioned his "retirement years" what with the wild ones around and all. Fortunately for us, Chubby still makes it outside to pee (97% of the time). However, his poop is 50/50 as to whether it's an inside or outside activity. I know, gross right? But he has (you can start laughing here) really good poop. Solid little turdettes that are easily picked up and disposed of. Believe me, we pay extra $ for the premium dog-poop-producing food.

As you can imagine, we hear lots of "Chubby pooped, Mom!" And thanks to the strong willed "Me-do/I-do phase" of last years' 2 year olds, a tradition was born:

Chore that falls to Austin and Logan - picking up (with toilet paper) and flushing Chubby's turdettes. (And then washing hands and hand sanitizing, of course!)

(I can't believe I'm blogging this - Gary will DIE!)

Scene 1: We've mentioned that we dine with our neighbors, it just makes playing outside, calling the kids in, etc all that much easier. On one of the first occasions that we had Barb and her two boys over (8 and 5 yo), we were all gathered around the table and things were a little hectic and certainly very loud.

Somebody's plate had fallen, tipped over or something. And in the midst of chaos, Logan holds up a piece of meat (I believe gathered from his chair), and shouts (just as the noise factor hit a momentary lull), "MOM - IS THIS POO??? CAN I EAT THIS, MOM - MOM IS THIS POO?? IS IT?"

Our now-worried little dining companions held their forks mid-lift and Barb and I just howled into fits of laughter. Logan and Austin kept staring at us like - um, duh - it's a valid question. ....and Barb's two boys were still waiting for us to make the call.

Months later, she and I still laugh our tails off.

Additional preliminary info: Ah, yes - that 3% mentioned above. Occasionally Old Dog Chubby does have some pee issues. If we're being truthful, so do some certain 3 years olds. (And don’t get me started on bathroom maintenance and how pee miraculously gets up on the ceilings! Momma sure didn’t warn me ‘bout those days!)

I am constantly battling stinky-house syndrome. I clean. I light candles. Gary steam cleans the carpets. We Lysol. We Febreeze - both the spray and the air freshener.

It's sort of a loosing battle. We don't have a lot folks over. And as soon as the dog stops poopin' (sadly) and as soon as Austin and Logan stop spilling and being typical nasty children (also sadly) and as soon as we pay for Evan's college, you can bet we're adding new carpet to the list of house chores...right behind new siding, new hot water heater, new ac and new paint! We're on it!

In the meantime, we live for cool weather days where we can joyously open the windows for fresh air!

Scene 2:
Earlier in the day, Evan decides to grace our presence by coming downstairs and as his nostrils were assailed, he demanded to know "What's burning? It smells like hair or something.” I eyed the stove where dinner was innocently cooking, but no unusual spices added and I shrugged it off. Evan went back into his cave.

Gary came home later and right before (I'm assuming) his joyous, "Honey I'm home," I instead hear, "D!*M, I just stepped in dogsh*T!!" He looks down accusatorily at the foyer floor and upon seeing it unusually dog poop free, determines that he must have stepped in it outside of the house (Can I get a high-5, Chubster!?)

Gary's 2nd comment right before (I'm assuming) his lovingly "How was your day honey?" was "What's burning? Smells like a perm solution or something?" (Most likely, because in between poop patrol and hunting down any and all other odd household smells, I run a home salon to take care of other women's beauty needs!)

Tired of waiting for my, "Hi, honey I'm home. How was your day?" I schlep off to clean up stepped-in poo-poo. Gary and Evan leave in a mad dash to College Night, Logan cries because he wants to go. And Austin cries because he wants more food. Despite all the food I've already given him today. As I chase him into the kitchen to take away his popcorn, my nostrils, too are suddenly assaulted. “Austin did you fart? It smells like poop. Have you gotta go potty?”

Seriously folks - we spend a LOT of time identifying odors around here!

Austin gets mad, turns on me and shouts with disgust and exasperation "No MOM - IT'S this WHOLE house! All over, this whole house stinks! It all smells like sh*T!" Then he shows me, "This kitchen STINKS, this hallway stinks! Upstairs stinks. In my bedroom stinks! This WHOLE house stinks, Mom!"

I, of course, am in a heap, on the floor in hysterics, as he continues to clarify things for me.

He's not going down for this crime!

And maybe, just maybe, we'll get to that new carpet sooner rather than later!

(btw, Dear Santa, if you’re out and about and reading blogs, I’ve been a really good girl.  Okay – we’ll just stick to basics, I’ve been a girl. The only girl, in fact in my stinky house and I sure would LOVE, love, love maybe one teeny, tiny maid. Nay, ONE simple housecleaning would be just divine! Divine, I tell you. I’m just saying…..oh, and don’t forget the new stain, odor resistant carpet.  Thanks!)


Nonnie said...

Hilarious!!You are one funny gal, child.

And, Austin, you're just as funny as your Mama. Maybe being a "comedian" IS your calling!!

Greta Jo said...

OMG! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard at your post.

Bobbi said...

Santa, change that to hardwood floors. They don't hold the odors...just sayying:>)

Donna, I am crying from reading this. I can just SEE all of this happening!!! Oh, I was hysterical.

Soooooo, what was the awful smell!??!!?

Bobbi said...

Oh, and forgot to mention that you need to apparetnly talk w/Gary about his use of language since the boys are picking it up:>)

Steph said...

Oh Santa! PA-LEEEEEASE be good to Donna this year! I have tears running down my face and I am trying not to howl so I don't wake everyone else up! Hysterical!!!!

Jordan and Chandra Smith said...

I was just on your blog the other day showing my husband and friend how handsome your little boys are, I fall in love every time I see them.

I had to laugh at your comment. My husbands name is Jordan and he complains that no one recognizes what he went through, even though it was not the same as me, he still says it was tough. So he was so happy to hear when you acknowledged him. I was cracking up when it was an accident, he had a good laugh as well.

Christina said...

OMG! Thank you for the hysterical laugh today. I'm sitting at work crying, and laughing out loud. I can't wait to have kids. And hopefully they will be as amazing as ours!

Suzanne said...

You are soooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!