Has anyone seen my Buddha?

I SOOOOOOO desperately want to return to my Pre-Adoption self. And I’ve had my moments – I’ve been sleeping without the Nyguil, but I’m beginning to re-think that decison. It may have been too hasty! LOL ;-)

I have also reintroduced some of the goofiness that usually defines my day, but I am having a very hard time holding onto the positive thinking.

I want to be a positive thinker. I reallly, really do. But here’s my thing – I can NOT stop telling people, “Oh, most folks when OUT of PGN, come home in about 3-4 weeks, but we’re not most folks. We’ve hit every snag along the way, so if most folks get home in 3-4 weeks, we should be home by October.” I say this to joke and to cope – but I realize that I may be creating/predicting my future. And I can’t stop. I don’t know how to let myself go completely. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Right now, I’m a little worried about our flight down. We have buddy passes and ALL the flights up until June 14th have TONS of seats available. June 14th (the day we want to fly out), only has about 25 seats left right now. Two days later, the flight is SOLD OUT, the following week – 6-8 seats available each day. Eeks!! Gary says, so what we’ll just buy tickets. Well, yes, that is one way to spend all the extra money we have after the adoption and as an added bonus, I’m sure the flights will only get cheaper if we wait and book them 2-days before we leave. grrr!

And there may be some new requirement at the embassy that is causing files to get kicked out, What!?! I SOOOOO thought we were done with Ko’s.

Anyway – I need to pull my resources and re-center myself.

I need to find my Zen.

I need to breathe.

I need to trust in God.

I need to let go.

Let go and let be.

And maybe I just need to rub the Buddha's belly!

Just some more information...

Okay, so our "real" lawyer picked up our file today. This is good news, she is already working on the next step for us.

Here's what we're looking at now. We need new birth certificates from Austin and Logan's birth town. Ones that list us as the Mommy and the Daddy. ;-) This step is already in progress!!

Then, the boys will have to go get their passport pictures taken (TOO cute!) and they have to go see the US Embassy's doctor for clearance. Once all of that is done, our file will be submitted to the US Embassy.

Once submitted, it has been taking about 4 days to hear back from them. What we'll be waiting on is our "pink" slip that tells us when we have our visa appointment. This has been running about 2 weeks out.

I know, I know. A LOT of information.

In summary, we hope to have Austin and Logan home by mid or end of June.

However....I am leaving June 14th to be them FOREVER!! That is just 16 DAYS AWAY!!

And hopefully, our Visa appointment will be shortly after that and Gary will be able to come with me. Maybe even Mason and Evan can join us...we'll see....

Stay tuned for more updates.....

Still celebrating and a HUGE THANK YOU!!

First off, can I please tell you all that I just canNOT believe they are actually going to be here!!! With me, with us - living life together. That they'll be just an arm's reach away from me...

Austin
Oh, to think of how broken I was right before everything shifted! I knew you all would pray me through it....and I just had to hand off. I couldn't go on and you all prayed me through it. THANK YOU!!!

Logan

I guess that's why we have such saying's like - "It's always darkest before dawn." It's seems that has been a trend during this adoption. I go as far as I can, then when I'm exhausted and can go no more, God does amazing things. My heart has grown ten-fold during this whole process. It's been stretched beyond anything I would have ever thought possible to endure. Huh - so that's where the "Grown in my heart, not under it" adoption phrase comes from, too!

Boy, and only one cup of coffee so far this morning and I'm just so full of enlightenment! And as an added bonus, I even fixed my little timer thing below.

I CAN conguer the WORLD now!!

It took an "N" to get us OUT!

Well, what an incredible 24 hours since last night. I wish I had time to write in detail, but I am so estatic I just can't sit still at my computer. I will add ALL the details tomorrow, but in short:

At 9:00 am this morning, I grabbed my cellphone, realized it was dead, charged it. When I power cycled, I had 3 messages, very unusual. Yep, you guessed it two of them were from my attorney left yesterday at 4:30pm. They didn't sound good "I have information on your file, call me."

So, off to work - calling Gary, cell phone still didn't have charge, plus it was VERY early in Guatemala. So, I couldn't return the lawyer's call yet. Got to work and sent him e-mail instead.

And he called. I had Anne in the office with me, because my lawyer's broken English is a little hard to understand at times. So, he says the letter "N" was the reason we were not OUT of PGN. It seems, when our "resolution" was written up, Mr. Barrios left out the second "N" in my name. Thank goodness this was caught now and not after all the new birthcertificates and documents had been issued in the wrong name.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - spent all day thinking, crazy! The letter "N"???? Well, I'm good with Dona. I can probably just go ahead and change my name, Prince did it. Then, - at 8:30 pm tonight, we got the call!!!!

Mr. Barrios already resigned, gave me my second "N" and we're already at the pick-up window as of 4:15pm Guat time !!!

AMEN!!! Alleluiah!!! Praise JESUS!!!

THANK YOU, GOD!!!

more later...... ;-)

I'm done....

All the time I get asked, “How do you do it? I don’t know how you've held up through all of this?” And tonight my reply is – I’m not.

In fact, I’m done. Tonight, I am officially throwing in the towel and walking away. I have nothing left. I give up. I’m packing up my hope. I’ve run out of prayers. And I’ve positive-thunk myself empty. I’m all done.

The advice doesn't even help:
- hold on, it will come – I can’t hold on anymore, my fingers are numb and I’m slipping.
- Think positive –yep, did that all along, yet here we are in our worst case scenario
- One day, this will all be over – yes, but I’m HERE now. Meet me in “one day” and together we’ll reflect on this day, but that doesn’t do anything to help get me there… ;-)

I had thought I’d have my babies home in October, maybe November. Dec was our worst case scenario and January was the unimaginable. Yet, here we are approaching our one year mark.
One year of loving these little boys and not having them in our arms.

I’m broken. I’m exhausted. And I’m out of Nyquil . LOL

So – I’m not going another step on this journey. I want off. What does that mean? Well, it’s like the last weeks of any pregnancy where your due date has come and gone and you’re SO over it, so done being pregnant. Unfortunately, in both of these cases, quitting is not an option.
Saying it, feels good. Like I have an option. But, the reality is – there is no quitting. Somewhere in my fuzzy brain, I feel like there is something to be learned there. Because there are times in life where we can quit and we do, but mayhaps we shouldn’t. Like when we quit depending on God, quit believin’ in Him. Quit being servants of His because sometimes it just gets too hard. Maybe God wants to give up on us sometimes. Maybe He too wants to quit when He sees all the pain and suffering we're causing each other and all the other messing up that goes on down here. But it’s not an option for Him either.

His commitment to us doesn’t have that clause, the one where you can walk away. Being a parent means you’re here for all of it.

Tonight my only request to God is to send me an angel. An angel to pick me up and wrap me in his wings and comfort me and to heal me so that tomorrow I can rise again, with renewed strength to walk this journey for Him, the journey that will lead me to my children.

And I am so thankful for the loved ones who stop by here to check in on our journey and our progress. Tonight, in my wekened state, I ask you all to please, hold onto my tools: Hope, Prayer, positive vibes. In fact, use them frequently for me.

I hope I will be ready to pick them up and start using them again in the mourning. ;-)

We'll see what tomorrow brings...

Well, our file just seems to be stuck. This is not "typical," we are told. Our lawyer has an appointment tomorrow to see what he can find out and to see if he can finally get our file out.

Another Day...

So, it's 11:30pm (I don't care what time the little timer below says, that is always wrong!!) and another day has gone by with no news. I was hoping my real lawyer would e-mail me with updated medical information. I got the pictures from the doctor's visit, but not the medical fact sheet - weight, height, development, shots, etc.

I was also hoping either she or my hired lawyer would have gone to PGN and found my file today!

But alas, no news.

As I have told several people, I feel like this is similar to the last two minutes of a professional football game. There's only two minutes of "clock" time remaining, but we all know that those two minutes take about 1 and a half hours of "real" time to be played out. That's when everybody uses their saved up timeouts and throws the ball out of bounds to stop the clock!

So, I've invented mental cheerleaders on my sidelines and they're chanting:

"Exodus 5, Verse 1, Let my PEOPLE go go go go go go GO!"

Doctor's visit

1 year medical check-up! Surprise! The boys went to the doctor yesterday for their one year check-up. We got more new pictures!

Not yet....

Well, we have not received word that our file ever made it's way downstairs to the pick-up window. And PGN is closed today and tomorrow. So, we are on hold until Monday.

In a way, it's almost a relief, because it's getting to become pretty clear that we won't be able to pick-up until after graduation. Living on the "hope" that it could be sooner is extremely draining. So, I'd almost rather just know that there's no chance of a sooner pick-up and just look forward to June 13th....I know, its a month away. But, what's 4 weeks when we've already spent a year waiting?

So, in my misery, I prayed to God to enlighten me and show me what I can learn from this. I want so desperately to be with my children. I have so much love to give them and they don't even know it yet. All I want is for them to reap the benefits of my hugs, my kisses, my raspberries. I have SO much to give them. I would die for them and they barely know of my existence. And just like that, it hits me....is this how God feels? Has he shown me what it is like to feel His pain? To have children walk this Earth that don't know Him yet, children that have not come home to Him yet, to claim and rejoice in the benefits of His love?

Oh, now I ache for God. I want to find a way to bring His children home to Him. And I am grateful that He shared this with me. That He has chosen me to enlighten and to grow even more in my love for Him.

Nufin' yet...

We're still waiting to hear if our file has been approved and transferred to the pick-up window.

And we're still waiting to see if I can leave to spend time with the boys. Our dilemma now is that Mason graduates June 12th and we have no idea when our Visa appointment will be.

Most folks are running about 4-6 weeks out of PGN to get their Visa appointment. Sooooooooo, once we're OUT of PGN we need to see how fast our lawyer can get new birth certficates (with our names as the parents on them!!) and then get our file submitted to the US EMbassy so that they can schedule our Visa apoointment.

So, I may be leaving in about 2 weeks and bringing them home by June 10th OR we will be leaving June 13th (day after graduation) and bringing them home at some point after that.

For those of you who were with me back in November and December when we waited forever for the DNA tests, I have re-introduced my nightly regimen of Tums and Nyquil. ;-) That resulted in a kidney stone attack in January, so I'm really hoping to kick the habit here soon. So far - it's only been the last 2 nights!

Happy Mother's Day Weekend!!

We got new pictures and video on Friday. Looks like Austin and Logan skipped walking and went right to running! On the video all you see is two little boys zooming in and zooming out of range of the camera's lens! They look incredibly healthy and happy!

Here they are with their adorable foster mother...

We also heard that Barrios signed our file, but we have not heard the Magic "OUT" word, yet. Hopefully next week, we will be OUT of PGN and our lawyer will start working on getting Austin and Logan's new birth certificates right away!

Do you know who's who yet in the pictures? Logan is on the left.....Austin on the right!

New pics and video

My mother's Day gift - New pictures and videos! Our Babies are RUNNING! ;-) they skipped over walking! Both boys look wonderful and healthy. It was a bittersweet moment to have new pictures and to be able to see them, but then we really mourned all that we've missed in their first year of life. We just never thought we'd be this long without them. Each day without them, each minute, each breath we take is one day, is one more minute, is one more breath of life spent without them - but it is also, one more day, one more minute, and one more breath that brings us closer to having them in our arms forever!

tick tock tick tock

tweedle dee, tweedle-ly-dum, de dum

send/receive, send/receive

it's coming, it's coming

I know it's coming

If this is my labor, I feel like I've been taking those quick little pants for the last day and 1/2, "izs, izs, izs.....swhooo. izs, izs, izs.....swhooo"

Have a happy day, all! I'll be back soon with good news!

Mother's Day Gift

My mother's Day gift - New pictures and videos! Our Babies are RUNNING! ;-) they skipped over walking! Both boys look wonderful and healthy. It was a bittersweet moment to have new pictures and to be able to see them, but then we really mourned all that we've missed in their first year of life. We just never thought we'd be this long without them. Each day without them, each minute, each breath we take is one day, is one more minute, is one more breath of life spent without them - but it is also, one more day, one more minute, and one more breath that brings us closer to having them in our arms forever!

If you’re still on this roller coaster ride with us…

We are at the top of another crest….So, we hit Barrios desk last Thursday.

At that time, we were told:

- Barrios was taking a “couple” of weeks to sign off on files
- Barrios was going to be out of the office for 10 – 12 – 20 ? days
- He may/may not have someone signing off his files in the meantime.

Tonight, we learned that Barrios was going to try and sign off on ALL cases submitted in March (that’s us) before he left today.

He heh he! Could this be our OUT!?! Hopefully, we’ll find out tomorrow or Thursday. He heh he!!

We went from a worst case 20 day delay to a possible OUT already. Isn’t that exciting!?!

I’m a much happier camper when I can have just a little dab of hope. A little dab ‘il do ya!

He heh he!

And not to mention, you guys have completely lifted me up once again with your wonderful words of wisdom and God’s desire for our (all of ours’) happiness!



























"Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! - yeah, we're already OUT, we know it. We just hope that you find that out, too. SOON!"

My Wimpy Update

I have nothing. LOL. Nothing to update.

And I have a confession, I sulked today.

Now, last night, I had a long talk with myself about submitting to God's will. I truly embraced the Dolphin's Perspective (from two posts ago). From where I'm sitting, things look rotten. I've already waited too long for my babies. I want to go be with them NOW. Now works for my timeline.

But, God is up to something more. I need to trust in Him. He's got a much better perspective on this situation than I do.

So, I allowed myself one more day to sulk. One more day to kick my feet at the dirt, create a little dust storm and go to bed tonight asking for more strength, more faith, more hope and a renewed bounce in my steps tomorrow. To count my blessings and joys, not my sorrows.

God is my provider. I have an incredible husband and two terrific teenage boys. I have a wonderful mom and a great family. My friends and support team are many and I am truly blessed. AND I have two of the sweetest, most loveable, giggling little boys that are almost in my arms forever.

I am blessed.

Temper Trantrum!

Okay – I’ve kicked a few doors, stomped my feet, banged around the house, salammed a few doors, cursed at slow drivers and basically had my little temper tantrum. All I needed was one thing, one thing to go my way. Why couldn’t we have gotten out of PGN – or at least told that next week was a realistic “out” time for us? Why the set back? Why the additional delays? I just WANT MY CHILDREN!!

So, I tried to deny it, I tried to ignore it, I tried talking myself into it, but realistically this news means that I cannot leave Thursday.

We are financially and emotionally prepared for my absence for a 3-5 week timeframe. We were hoping that we would be near a PGN out, so that left a cushy 3-5 weeks to get a new birth certificate, enter the US Embassy and wait for our visa appointment.

Now that we’ve entered the unknown again – Barrios gone for one week? 20 days? Will files be getting signed off on? Will this cause yet another backup at PGN? We could potentially be looking at another 2-4 weeks just in PGN. Plus the 3-5 weeks out of PGN.

So, we’ve done what we’ve done this whole past year. We’ve rallied. We’ve come to terms with it, refocused and are plunging along. Like we have any other choice, right? LOL

I’d like to the think that two more weeks could do the trick. That would bump my trip to May 24th and give Barrios and PGN about 21 days to get their act together! Surely, good news will come within that timeframe!!

Two weeks, they seem like forever. But not when you put it in the perspective of a whole year. Two weeks are just two weeks. Two weeks buys me time for a miracle. Two weeks could bring me lots of good news. Two weeks could bring us our “OUT.” Two weeks from the “Dolphin’s Perspective” could make all the difference!

Sigh

I can see the finish line! We’re almost there….

As the World Turns….

Ugh. My lawyer sent me an e-mail yesterday. We should be on Barrios desk today. He says it will take a couple weeks for Barrios to sign off. Ugh. Barrios may be out of the office next week. Ugh. Ugh. Rumor Mill says Barrios is leaving for 20 days. UGh.

Lawyer will let me know today if I’m on Barrios desk and if he will be out of the office next week.

What they don’t know: My file is bright ORANGE and burning a hole on that desk to get OFF. If it hits today, it will accidentally go to the top of the pile and WILL be SIGNED off on tomorrow!! Before he leaves!

Are you with me? Everyone focus. Send GOOD thoughts, GOOD vibes and LOTS and LOTS of prayers for an OUT!!!

------------------

On another note.....here's a quiet reflection. I found this yesterday and it really applies to me and my life this past year, but I hope that you read it and get something out of it for yourself, too. God Bless!!

It is called a Dolphin’s Perspective.

A while back, I watched a nature special on TV about sick dolphins. The dolphins were dying. They could be saved if they could be treated with antibiotics. They had to be caught in a huge net, snatched up from the ocean, and then pulled overboard into waiting boats.

It must have been terrifying for them. Human hands were all over them. Human voices were shouting directions. They had no way of knowing that these new experiences were well-intentioned. They had oinly the dolphin perspective. They were at point A. Their survival depended on them getting to point C. But first they had to go through point B--an insecure place full of unknowns, a place were endurance seemed impossible.

Life is difficult with limited perspective. At point B our human perspectives cannot anticipate the good possibilities of Point C. God's perspective sees the whole picture. He knows that to survive spiritually, we must experience transitional periods; we must go through point B to get to point C. Like the marine scientists who cared for the well-being of the dolphins. God has our best interests in mind throuh the whole painful process of change.

I think it is a very good example of how most parents are feeling through the adoption process, although we know the outcome is wonderful, we still would love to go straight to point C abd skip B all together if only we could. God is using our experiences to help us better appreciate point C. We are lucky to have a God that is caring and loving enough to help us appreciate Point C all the more. Without Him we would take advantage of our surroundings and family and friends.

I hope this has touched others as much as it touched me. it really did make me think. God is Great and he has it all in his plan, even though we don't know what that plan is we know that he has one. So even though the wait may be horrendous, imagine how those dolphins felt when their world was turned upside down, they did not know it but it was to save their lives. We must remember that God is turning our world upside down to save ours.

Author: http://miasvisionexperience.blogspot.com/

Getting closer!

So, last Thursday we were told in a few days we would be on Mr. Barrios desk. Friday. Monday. Tuesday: PGN closed, boo! Wednesday. That's a few days, right? Here's to Mr. Barrio's getting that big ol' bright orange file off his desk ASAP!

We are busy around here preparing for our trip next Thursday. The boys will have plenty. I'm not allowing Gary to bring anything. And I'll have at least one change of clothing. LOL Seriously, I feel like there is SO much stuff to take for the "Muy Activo" boys!

I am VERY excited about our trip and my staying, but it's hard not to ignore how scary everything will be!

Growing up, my friend belonged to a pool. This was a HUGE treat for us to get to go with her on guest passes. One of my strongest memories is of looking out at that Hive Dive each year and watching all the kids fly off of it into the water. I always wanted to do it. At the beginning of each summer, I'd sit and watch kid after kid jump off. As I grew older, sometimes I'd even work up the nerve to get in line. Sometimes I'd make it to the first wrung on the ladder before looking up at the mile high climb and then bolting out of line!

I have a distinct memory of actually climbing the ladder once or twice. Walking out the incredibly long plank and thinking, the high dive looked high from the lounge chair, but with the wind blowing up here, it feels like I'm in a flight pattern and this should not be considered a legal activity by the pool god's anymore than running within the pool's confined area is considered legal.

I always told myself, just do it, just climb the ladder, get to the edge and jump. It will be over in a minute. Once you've committed to the jump, the rest just happens! You don't have to do the next steps: Okay, now I'll fall through the air. Next, I will enter the water. Your job is over once you step off. The rest just happens to you. You're not in control anymore.

I used to think of ways to soften the blow - if I sit on the high dive (which is not allowed!), maybe if I can turn around and actually hang off the plank (which causes the lifeguard to blow the whistle FURIOUSLY!), I could cut my "fall" distance in 1/2!

From the ground I'd watch other attempters...getting cheered on by those around the pool, "Jump! jump!" And getting yelled at by those behind them on the ladder - who are growing more and more impatient waiting for their turn, "Jump Already!" And eventually, getting whistle blowed at "TOOT! TOOT! TOOT!" as the lifeguard god goes ballistic signaling time is up: Jump or Retreat!

I was excited when they jumped! Deflated when the walked back down - a long process, since everyone else had to back down the ladder as well. And for kids , who are an unorganized lot by nature, it was no easy task to back up 15 or 20 deep and allow the non-jumper retreating access. And it was painful to watch all pool activity seemingly cease as the high dive was momentarily "shut down."

I always thought if I could just get up there and get to the edge, I'd buckle under the pressure. That the pressure would make me jump.

Well, never underestimate the power of height! I remember quite a few summers, where I was the annoying non-jumper causing the traffic jam on the way back down the ladder! LOL

The morale of the story? I feel like I'm on the high dive now. Once I get on the plane – I’ve jumped! So, for the next week, I’m standing on the high dive platform….

Everyone is cheering me on. Nobody is impatient, pushing me, excpet my own inner gut that's ready to be a mommy to my boys. And there's no annoying lifeguard, just a few parents and loved ones who are cautiously "worried" about me.

When I finally jumped as a kid (hey, a teenager is STILL considered a kid!), sure the fall was scary – but you knew it would eventually end. You basically only had to keep your body vertical (belly flops would HURT! As an expert spectator, of this I was sure!). Two or three seconds after the jump – you’re in water, familiar territory. And before you know it you’re enjoying it and doing it again and again.

My stomach is not quite doing the butterflies or flipping yet. From two visit trips, I know that once I “get my feet wet," we’ll settle into a routine. It’s just that about that time on the trip, Gary will be leaving. And I will be left alone, in charge of the two little peanuts, in a foreign land, by myself….two to one, as a first time mommy. Okay, maybe a butterfly or two.

But when I break it down to basics….All I need to do is to feed them and they need to poop. Technically, we don’t need to entertain, we don’t need to leave the room (I can have everything delivered). We don’t have to wear clothes, if we’re never leaving the room. Feed and poop – the only two jobs that matter. If I can manage those two things, I’ll consider my day a success! If they cry, they cry. If they don’t sleep – well, eventually they’ll have to and I can wait that out. But not eating is dangerous, and not pooping can cause lots of problems and may lead to a visit to the doctor’s which involves getting dressed, leaving the room , finding a doctor, getting to the doctor….. feed and poop, just feed and poop!

Everything else is a bonus!

So, I can DO this! I’ll just jump – fall for a few terrifying seconds, and then land safely! And it will be fun!

Hang on boys, your crazy Momma is comin’!!