Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Journal 03/12 - 3/13/07

03/12 post on forum

"World’s biggest Pity Party – care to pull up a chair?"
So today I was in the delivery room to experience and welcome my best friend’s third child being born. She did great, the baby came out wonderfully. It was beautiful, and as someone who has never experienced that herself, I am so grateful my friend has honored me by asking me to be present for all three births. And I am so blessed to have that same friend to walk by me hand-in-hand on this road to adoption. She even logs onto this site daily and tells me news and updates I have missed. She knows who Pres. Berger is, she knows what PA, PGN means – even more than my husband! She’s my rock!

I was so happy most of the day, even when welcoming her other two children to share in their joy of seeing their brother for the first time. And remembering their births, too – the first one over 7 years ago. And remembering each time that they were born that I, too, was looking for a child of my own. Obviously, it was a bittersweet day.

I didn’t realize the toll the entire day took on me until I got home and collapsed into a heap of sobs on my bed. How can it be SO easy for some? She got pregnant by chance, had a beautiful pregnancy, was at work (church) yesterday and delivered in a mostly painfree – 6 pushes, he’s out birthing. The baby is beautiful, healthy, precious.

I am so thankful God gave me my own two beautiful sons, well four – my two almost grown-up, wonderful stepsons and my two little baby boys in Guatemala. And I can honestly say that it’s not that my friend delivered her babies, it’s that she has her baby. Today, now and each day from now on, her baby will be in her arms.

Oh, I ache for the last 10 ½ months I have not had my babies. How can God be so sweet to provide so abundantly for me and then place them (my babies) on a shelf so high up and far away that I can only stare up and drool I want them so badly! How can it be so easy for some! ….and so difficult for others?

We’re beyond broke. We have one senior graduating high school this year and another one off to college in 3 more years. My “good” car broke down and will cost $3000-$5000 to make driveable again. Our “bad” car resembles Fred’s – four wheels, a few side doors and is powered by running feet!

And today, of all days, I can add in that we’re trying to bring our children home in a world where what we’re doing is frowned upon by the media – we’re made to feel that we’re adding to the problem by “stealing” our babies from poor mother’s who just want to provide for their babies and that we’re “paying” way TOO much for them.

What were we thinking? What are we doing? Amidst my sobs, I kept crying over and over, “Mercy, God, Please grant me Mercy, spare me any more pain.” If there was a white towel, I think I would have been tempted to throw it in today.

And then, I look at my screen saver, my two boys giggling together on the bed in our hotel room on our last visit trip. Yes, I’ll keep going, I’ll walk through fire for them. I’ll wait forever for them.

I know we all have our ups and downs, but I’ve gained so much comfort from others when they’ve shared, from the heart, their lows. I thought, I would be honest and share one of my worst days yet.

Thanks, ladies!
This is what I posted this morning, after reading several of their wonderful, great replies:

03/13/07 forum post

Wow! What an uplifting! I got forum messages, private messages, guest book messages on my websites…you folks poured out the love and I have a little bounce in my step again this morning. Okay, not much of a bounce, the wine from last night is keeping me pretty “grounded” shall we say?

Thanks to all those who reminded me that there have been others who have walked my path before me and plenty who are still walking it. In the middle of a pity party, you can only seem to recall that anyone you’ve ever met had a 4 month adoption process as well! LOL. But getting glimpses and images of the future are so appreciated, a snapshot to hold on to and keep focused on.

I still don’t have the answers, why the road to our children is so much harder. I know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but I wouldn’t mind if He thought of me as just a little bit weaker and maybe not up to “handling” so much. ;-)

In truth, I am so blessed to have Him in my life. And I know that He will provide as He always does. I feel His love and I know He cares for us all.

Thanks for the shower of love, I am sending back lots of ((hugs)), prayers and good thoughts to all of you!

And this is what I just posted!!
03/13/07 4pm

Holy cow!! Last night I was in a heap of sobs, begging God for mercy on my broken heart and to spare me any more pain and Man-Oh-Man did HE deliver!!!

This morning, I received so many words of encouragement from you all, so many helped pick me up and give me renewed strength to face the day with hope again instead of despair.

Then, midday, around noon, after 4 months of no medical updates and no explanation why they stopped - we suddenly got medical updates! And pictures of our little princes!! Today of all days, to see their beautiful little faces and remind me why I'm here doing what I'm doing.

And then, today at 3:05pm, 3 months after our DNA tests were done and 1 month after we got Logan's pre-approval, weeks after congressmen and senator's have called and e-mailed on our behalf, today of all days....we finally got Austin's PRE-APPROVAL! We're moving again!!! Hallelujah - PGN here we come!!

God has rained down His love on me today and I am in a heap of sobs again!! I couldn't wait to share the joy!!

Thank you ladies for carrying me through my darkest hour!!
DPline, you sent me luck, it worked!
Slatond10, you said after the storm, there's usually a brilliant sunshine....I aint even gonna wear my sunglasses!!!!

Basking in all His glory,
His humbled child....