Friday, February 26, 2010

Living...

I'm not gonna lie.  Life sucks right now.  This constant ache.  This constant pain surrounds me.  I am short tempered.  I am emotional.  I hurt. 

I KNOW my brother is at peace.  I know that God loves me and I know that it hurts God and my mother to see me suffering.  I know that I WILL heal.  In time. 

The quiet moments are the worse.   The other day driving along, poor little Logan asked, "Mom, are you sad?"  I hadn't even said anything.  I was just being quiet.  Silent tears running down my face.  Not the Momma they are used to at all. 

I am. sad... 

But there are surely moments of happiness.  Moments of sharing the love these two little ones fill my days with - when they are not exhausting me with their constant energy and around the clock battles of will!

Moments of deep and meaningful conversations with my older sons.  I am so impressed with their convictions and spiritual strength.  I don't think I had it "together" at their age as much as they do. 

I am surrounded by love. 

I am healing. 

Here is a glimpse of a more light hearted moment tonight when I told Austin and Logan they had to put on shoes to go get their backpacks. 

I never said WHOSE shoes...

Silly boys! 
Thanks for putting up with your crazy emotional Momma! 
I promise, there are more happy days ahead.

10 comments:

Guatmama said...

Still praying with you as you greive. It has been said that losing a sibling is the hardest thing b/c they are the only ones in our lives that have shared the same victories and losses with us. Thinking of you.

Hannah said...

I wish there was a way I could make this easier for you. I really do. I think you are doing the best thing possible by allowing yourself time to grieve. Know that our family is praying for your family.

I love your crazy boys. Their sweet faces and silliness can always bring a smile. LOVE them!

Anonymous said...

I love you Donna! I don't know what else to add except that I am continuing to hold you in my thoughts and prayers!
Chesney

zookeeperjess said...

I am so sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking to even think about. Sending up a prayer for you and your family.

The pictures of the boys are too cute.

Steph said...

I have been thinking of you a lot Donna. I can't imagine the heartache you are experiencing right now. All healing takes time and how sweet of Logan to be so in tune with his mama! Hugs to you!

Natalie C. said...

i wish i could make it all go away...hugs

Bobbi said...

Well, yes, I would say you and Nonnie have had it easy!! HA!! What a soman she is. And, so, so, wrong!! There simply can be no greater loss than the two of you have suffered. I pray for the healing of your hearts. I am glad that the boys are able to provide some distraction and light hearted moments for you. And, your older boys such great loves. Please know I am keeping you all in my prayers and wish I was there to hug you!!

Tracey said...

Hang in there momma...it's hard and it's so so sad and you are so entitled to the feelings. We LOVE you all so much and want to do everything we can to help.

Helene said...

I know each day must be difficult for you right now. The grief must be unbearable but it sounds like you're doing the best you can. Within time, the happy memories you have of your brother will outweigh the pain and grief you feel right now.

You know, as wierd as it may sound, I think it's good for your boys to see you showing emotion over this loss. When my mom's father and brother died, she showed no emotion...I don't even remember seeing her cry!

You are a wonderful role model for your boys and by seeing you process your emotions in a healthy way is very good for them to see, even as hard as it is.

Sending you many hugs and prayers.

Christina said...

Donna,

I can honestly say i'm right there with you. And it's def the quiet moments or time alone that really gets to me. I hope that both our pain gets easier in time. Will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Hugs,
Christina