Thursday, March 20, 2008

So little!

The mailman brought us a surprise today! Gary and I had filled out our G-884 form earlier this year. This is the form that you send to Immigration asking them to return all of the original documents that you handed over in a sealed packet upon entering the US with your child.

We were not expecting that package so soon, an amazing 4-5 week turnaround!! From what I've seen its a potluck to what you get back. I'm happy with the information we got. There are some differences between the two packages even though they were sent by the same person. I believe we can write back and again ask for all original documents and even write in what's missing.

Out of the few "new" discoveries that today's package brought, the one that has my heart in my throat is Logan's birth weight.

At the time of their referral (5 weeks old), Austin and Logan weighed 6lbs and 5lbs. In their first video and pictures, they look like very healthy, content little boys. We knew that they spent three weeks in the hospital before being placed with their first foster family.

Logan weighed 3.5 lbs at birth. That just makes me cry. So little. So tiny. Almost not even here.

And I wasn't there.

I can usually put my thoughts into words pretty well, but tonight I am stumbling. I am numb and overwhelmed at the thought that my little boy started out in this world so teeny tiny. Watching him run around the yard, jump off of any and everything, throw balls, and smile up a storm - it's heartbreaking to know he was once so tender, so fragile.

And that I wasn't there.

I have a thousand more questions swirling in my head, Did anybody hold him? Was Austin with him? Did he have tubes? Was he breathing on his own?

Austin was only a pound heavier. It's so silly, really. All along, Gary and I "guessitmated" that they were probably "4 and 5 lbs" at birth. Both "good" weights according to other twin mommies I know. It's just the number "3" that stops my heart.

My nurse friends have told me that the neonatal units smother their babies with love, affection and attention. Knowing Guatemala, I suspect that's very true there, too.

Like any mother, I just hate that my baby had to struggle. And I wasn't there to cheer him on. To tell him to fight.

Yet, all by himself, he did just that. They both did. My strong, healthy, happy full of life babies.

They both started out so small, so tiny. Without me. But we're all here, together now. And together, we'll journey on through life. Filling in the past and piecing together the missing pieces whenever we can.


Bobbi said...

Sometimes it is easier when we don't know, isn't it? To look at them now you would never know that they were so little and fragile.

I have a feeling that you are right, they were so loved in the hospital.

If nothing else, they are so loved now. And, so healthy!!

Reese too was 5 pounds. That is all that we know. I think I may fill out that form as well. How do you get the form? online?

Hope you all have a great Easter. Sorry for the blog abuse!!

ManyBlessings said...

I think the hardest thing is all the "before" when we weren't there. Nothing can take that special pain away. (((HUGS))) and so happy those boys are with you (and I know you feel even more blessed than them!).

Our Family of 5 said...

Wow! That brought tears to my ears and made my ♥ ache for you. I surely don't know what/how your feeling, but I certainly understand the need and want to know he was ok and loved and cared for.
Happy Easter!

BTW....Nikki lives close to me, and I am guessing she met Tiffani on line? I am not really sure? I think it should be ties for the little bows too =) She is very sweet and offered to send me free bows for putting it on my site. I was just doing it to help out Nikki and I got free bows out of the deal. Doesn't get any better then that!

Happy Easter to you all!

Gwen, Jenny, & Mia said...

Wow! what a tiny peanut. Now they are both happy and healthy boys.

I filled my paperwork out for that about 8 weeks ago and haven't heard anything. Guess I should check! Glad you got yours!!!

Guatemama said...

((Huggs)))) for you tonight Donna. I have a good feeling that both boys were very loved in that hospital too. Sorry that you are hurting tonight about it. I am so thankful that they are both healthy and happy and WITH you tonight and all the nights after.

ggaggle said...

WOW! That is just unbelievable Donna. It just goes to show what amazing miracles they really are!!!!!