So little!

The mailman brought us a surprise today! Gary and I had filled out our G-884 form earlier this year. This is the form that you send to Immigration asking them to return all of the original documents that you handed over in a sealed packet upon entering the US with your child.

We were not expecting that package so soon, an amazing 4-5 week turnaround!! From what I've seen its a potluck to what you get back. I'm happy with the information we got. There are some differences between the two packages even though they were sent by the same person. I believe we can write back and again ask for all original documents and even write in what's missing.

Out of the few "new" discoveries that today's package brought, the one that has my heart in my throat is Logan's birth weight.

At the time of their referral (5 weeks old), Austin and Logan weighed 6lbs and 5lbs. In their first video and pictures, they look like very healthy, content little boys. We knew that they spent three weeks in the hospital before being placed with their first foster family.

Logan weighed 3.5 lbs at birth. That just makes me cry. So little. So tiny. Almost not even here.

And I wasn't there.

I can usually put my thoughts into words pretty well, but tonight I am stumbling. I am numb and overwhelmed at the thought that my little boy started out in this world so teeny tiny. Watching him run around the yard, jump off of any and everything, throw balls, and smile up a storm - it's heartbreaking to know he was once so tender, so fragile.

And that I wasn't there.

I have a thousand more questions swirling in my head, Did anybody hold him? Was Austin with him? Did he have tubes? Was he breathing on his own?

Austin was only a pound heavier. It's so silly, really. All along, Gary and I "guessitmated" that they were probably "4 and 5 lbs" at birth. Both "good" weights according to other twin mommies I know. It's just the number "3" that stops my heart.

My nurse friends have told me that the neonatal units smother their babies with love, affection and attention. Knowing Guatemala, I suspect that's very true there, too.

Like any mother, I just hate that my baby had to struggle. And I wasn't there to cheer him on. To tell him to fight.

Yet, all by himself, he did just that. They both did. My strong, healthy, happy full of life babies.

They both started out so small, so tiny. Without me. But we're all here, together now. And together, we'll journey on through life. Filling in the past and piecing together the missing pieces whenever we can.