Living...

I'm not gonna lie.  Life sucks right now.  This constant ache.  This constant pain surrounds me.  I am short tempered.  I am emotional.  I hurt. 

I KNOW my brother is at peace.  I know that God loves me and I know that it hurts God and my mother to see me suffering.  I know that I WILL heal.  In time. 

The quiet moments are the worse.   The other day driving along, poor little Logan asked, "Mom, are you sad?"  I hadn't even said anything.  I was just being quiet.  Silent tears running down my face.  Not the Momma they are used to at all. 

I am. sad... 

But there are surely moments of happiness.  Moments of sharing the love these two little ones fill my days with - when they are not exhausting me with their constant energy and around the clock battles of will!

Moments of deep and meaningful conversations with my older sons.  I am so impressed with their convictions and spiritual strength.  I don't think I had it "together" at their age as much as they do. 

I am surrounded by love. 

I am healing. 

Here is a glimpse of a more light hearted moment tonight when I told Austin and Logan they had to put on shoes to go get their backpacks. 

I never said WHOSE shoes...

Silly boys! 

Thanks for putting up with your crazy emotional Momma! 

I promise, there are more happy days ahead.

It's a chair....

It's a Roller Coaster....

It's...   it's....   it's.....

a Catapult!?  ;-) 

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Snow days definitely made for some crazy indoor activities, like the never ending game of "Fling your nighttime pull-up at each other" and Momma's least favorite, "Jump on Mommy's back like a horsy ANY times she hits the floor to clean up the constant mess" game.  There's also "Climb the outside of the staircase to the tippy top and give Momma a heart attack" dual activity. 

I really saw no "prominent" danger in the "Catapult off the 15-year old Chair" Game.  ;-)    And I thought it netted some really cute photos!

My valentine...

Over there on the right, on my little profile thing, I state that I am married to my hero.  And then, I mostly pick on him on my blog!  

And while I don't "worship" my husband...;-)....he is most certainly, my hero.  Gary is. Superman.

He works like 100 hours a week, never sleeps, cooks, does the laundry, repairs any and everything in the house, magically finds money when I come up short for bills (I blame "lack of time" to truly concentrate on our household bank account!), he lets me keep my 50 year old dog (sans bodily control) alive when he could put up a really argument otherwise. 

I have always been the Emotion, the Relationship Controller, the Feelings person in our family.  At the end of the day, I can tell you the conversations I've had, the time spent with Austin and Logan, the plans for get togethers, etc.....but in the end it is Gary who makes it all happen.  He prepares the house, the food, the everything.  He's the MANpower in my woMAN!  

These last two weeks....Gary...you have carried my family through the unimagineable.  Through the worst days of our lives.  I say this with all honesty, because you have taken over my spot as Mom's (a.k.a. Nonnie's) favorite child.  What you have done for her, for me, for our family....put simply, is nothing short of amazing.   You were everywhere, doing everything.  You only had to overhear a concern, a need - and you jumped to it before we could even finish vocalizing what we needed.   Other issues, concerns - once we got around to thinking about them - you had already solved. 

Gary....you. ARE. my HERO and I LOVE YOU! 

I know this rat race called life is crazy.  I know it feels like many times we are two steps behind where we're trying to get to.  But there is nobody I would want to run around in circles with...more than YOU.   ;-) 

I couldn't find a Hallmark card that said all of this (okay, I didn't look), and I thought it would be nice for you to have documentation and proof that I adore you....cuz, well you know....I'm sure in my next post I'll be busting on ya again! 

Happy Valentine's Day, my love!  

Uncle "Barney"

Dear Austin and Logan –

I have kept this blog up for you – as it is the only baby book you will ever have. (Sorry about that.)

One day, when you’re grown – we’ll look over these posts. And the stories of your childhood.

One of my earliest memories is when my dad’s father passed away. I remember the heaviness, the sadness of my mom and dad and grandma. My impressions of that funeral lasted a life time.

This week has been a tough one for you guys. You have been amazing troopers!

Last Monday morning, you watched your Momma physically react to the most horrifying news that she has ever heard…..when she got a phone call that her baby brother was gone forever.

You were so scared.

And Momma had to get to Nonnie. I will forever be indebted to Barbara – our beloved neighbor and Momma to two of your best friends. She was here in seconds and whisked you away to the safety and happiness of her house. I tried to reassure you that your world was okay. That Momma was okay.

Barbara kept you safe all day. We reunited briefly… to try to… I don’t know, let you at least “see” everyone. I could only imagine what it must have looked like from your perspective. Then, you basically spent the week with Anne… it hurt so much to be away from you. I knew you were scared and worried. But you had so much fun with Grace, Jacob and Eli. I saw you every day. And you were such good boys. You were so worried about Momma’s eyes. And why Momma kept crying.

You know that Uncle “Barney,” as you called him, had gone to heaven to be with God. You know that he is with Grand-da-da and with Hunter (our dog). You know that HE is happy, but that Momma and Nonnie are so sad because we are going to MISS him to pieces!

You thought that when Momma said, “I missed you so much” – when Anne brought you around for hugs – that it was just like when Mommy said she missed “Uncle Barney.” You were so worried. It must have been such a confusing week for you.

We’re all together now. We’re wrapped up in a blanket of snow that Momma believes Grandaddy and Uncle Brian sent from heaven – eternal snow lovers, indeed! We’ll spend the next few days cuddled up together, reassuring you, hugging you.

Momma spoke at your Uncle’s funeral. When you’re ready…just ask me and I will share with you what I said.

Your Uncle loved you a lot and thought you were both incredibly smart and talented. And you guys had a wonderful time every time you were with him. I’m so sorry your innocence was exposed to such a traumatic experience, but…a part of living…..is indeed, dying. And we thank GOD for His love, His Grace, His Comfort. His every thing.

Never be afraid to ask me about this. Even if it makes Momma cry, it’s OKAY. I am here. We are safe. And I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

You Scream! I Scream!

WE all scream for SNOW CREAM!  

(And just you nevermind expecting another ut-oh Donna's lost it again with those crazy twins a'hers post!)

'Mah Daddy (Gawd rest his soul) sent us another whopper of a snow storm!  And on what would have been his and Momma's (a.k.a Nonnie's) 44th Wedding Anniversary.  It's no mere coincidence....they're wedding day story went down in family history as folks braved an already 17 inches of white fluff on the ground and all during the ceremony and reception, the wind howled and the snow just kept a'coming for a record breaking blizzard of 1966 (Richmond).  Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!  And thanks again for the snow, Dad!

While waiting for others to pack down this weekend's snow and make it sledd-able, I introduced the boys to SNOW CREAM! 

We cook together all the time, so they thought it was just too funny when I said,

"Step 1:  Go get 3 cups of (non-yellow) snow!"

And of course, with 4 boys, Momma has to sneak her "crafting" in when I can,

so I pulled out the Candy Dots for decorating! 

hmmm, hmmm good!

(And we tucked a way a little in the freezer, for a nice little summa'time treat!)

My twin's maiden voyage into the SNOW CREAM tradition Makes My Monday! 

Play along with Cheryl and others on Twinfatuation!