12/01/06

Wow – December, it just came so quickly. So, really no chance of Austin and Logan being here by Christmas. I again find myself in the same spot with God as I was with Evan and Mason. I know that HE can do it all, it’s not according to my time line, but I again must trust in His knowledge.


So, we’re going to go visit them. Austin and Logan. Dec 18th is the plan. On Wednesday (today is Friday). Mason crashed again. This time, I was scared. Did we mess up, wait too long, should we have blew the bells and whistles long before. At any rate, after spending the day with here and wondering what are we dealing with and how serious is this. And Lisa calling me in between, and planning the WNS at church. I drove to Kroger to get Mason some cranberries (all that he was craving) and as I pulled up and went to reach for the ignition key. I lost it, I just finally let loose and bawled. My heart was breaking.

Mom and I had fought the day before as Gary and I. I can’t “console” them with their misery for not having info or for not knowing why there is a hold up. They are both angry. No matter what news I tell them, they both vent. Well, needless to say – I am in no mood to take other people’s venting. It’s justifiable, but they need to let loose on others around them. Not me.

Anyway, waves of Gary, Mom, Mason and our upcoming trip just overwhelmed me. I again thought back to the day in the car when I cried out to God to take over Mason and Evan and deliver them to us.

I am so scared. After twenty years of searching, a child will be placed in my arms. Two children. Two incredible little children. How do you not ball at that? I only have 17 days left. Before I meet them. OMG! I feel like I will start crying for days before we leave, the minute we board the plane, the minute we land, waiting in the hotel.. I feel like I will be sick with nausea waiting for them. I feel like tears will overwhelm me when I finally see them, when I hold them, when I meet the foster mother. Where will this super human strength come from? Who is made this thick? What will Gary do? Will he be able to maintain and get through this? Will he be able to help me? Help me pull it together or will he be a lost blob of emotion, too?

The days of having them, changing my first diapers, bathing, smiling, laughing, playing. With my own children. 17 days away.

And then. And then, how do I go there? How do I envision and plan for the departure? How do I give them up again? How do I say goodbye? How do I breathe again?

We will fly back the day before Christmas Eve (the 23rd). Will I survive Christmas? Will I ruin it for everyone? Will I be happy with new pictures and stories and happy memories?