Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Why I can no longer hold a conversation

I suffer from major, major brain fry!
These boys have finished what college started.

I try not to miss church, but every once in awhile,
a morning home with no rushing around 
sounds like a good idea.

My mom always asks me why I'm always go, go, going with the kids and below is why.
This is how my "relaxing morning" with the boys went. 

We are all three cuddled up in my blankets.
Windows open and the morning cold air feels awesome!
I turn on the tv for them in the hopes of getting some more shut eye for me.

Round 1:  Austin v. Logan
 "I wanna watch Power Rangers!!"
More yelling, then some kicking, I threaten to turn off tv.
Fight resolved.
But now I"m wide wake.

I come down for coffee.
Round 2 & Round 3 are simulataneous
Mommy v. Logan
Logan v. Austin
Logan wants to help me with the coffee. I try and explain that I don't want to clean up a mess.
Austin wants Wii, Logan wants tv.
I get my coffee and clean up the mess Logan made.
We all agree on Wii.

Non-twin mommies always tell me how lucky I am that they have each other to play with.
I smile, but think, "bull-shitake!"
Austin and Logan have maybe played by themselves like 10x.
Otherwise, Daddy or I or Nonnie or Evan
are expected to play WITH them.
So, visions of computer time and coffee are gone
as I have to cheer on the Wii players, play Wii and fight to keep them off of my computer because they want to play the Power Ranger computer game.

The rest of the morning,
all 3 goody bags from the weekend's parties are emptied.  
And while I am playing the Wii, they snuck in and shared an entire sleeve of crackers,  leaving enough crumbs
to fill the city's current ant population.
My living room is trashed.

They are ready for outside play,
but despite my desperate pleads,
my presence is required out on the trampoline.
And in truth, I need the exercise, so I go.

We play for an hour.
I am sweaty.
I have gotten attacked and beaten.
And every chance they get, the jump on my back
which is sunburned for soccer and outdoor parties.

We come in.
I peel clemetines, and rehydrate the children.
And I convince them to let me take my shower by myself.
They were watching TV when I went in, but when I come out
they are jumping off of my bed, each using a bra as a parachute.

I am in my towel, but they immediately want my assistance in implementing several of their thought-out contraptions.   They have my curler clips, hangers and pillow cases that I am supposed to construct a "real" parachute out of.
The end result is never quite as glamorous as they expect,
and I took several blows to my self-esteem before I presented them something close to acceptable.
Austin runs out of the bathroom with his, and I start on Logan's. 
I hear Austin shout in the hallway, "Is anyone downstairs?"
"OMYGAWD! Austin - do NOT try and fly down the stairs with the parachute!!  It Will NOT work!"
He is looking at me like, clearly I do not have as much faith in his engineering skills as he does. 
I usher him back him, pick up my towel and try my dangest to get ready.
Except they will not stop baggering me to improve their hanggliders.
Austin wants a real one.  He comes back in the room after a long period of silence.
"Mom, where are the kites?  If I hook my hanger up to a kite, I can have a real hangglider."
I've been calm up to this point, but as my firiend, Cheryl likes to say,
scream-free parenting is not for everyone.
"BOYS if you do NOT leave me alone, we will NEVER get READY!!  ARGH!"
Logans pops out, "But Mom what did I DO?"
"Nothing, just, please both of you -
GO get dressed.  And nobody. ask. Mommy. for anything. while I try. and get ready please?"

Except I think they heard, "Do what you'ld like and ask mommy for whatever you need."

So, this is why I can no longer hold a conversation. 
I haven't been able to complete a single thought or a single action without interuption in over 4 years!
I truly think my brain has forgotten how to function!

And also, why my bras are littering the entire upstairs area.
Why I invite dogs into my living room to lick up cracker crumbs.
And why I left the house the other day - with not a lick of make-up on and my shirt on inside out.
A look I usually reserved for gym acitvity
and not a friendly gathering of families.

Yay me!
(And you can bet, I'll get my butt back to church next week!)


Anonymous said...

So THIS is why you want me home! AH-HA! :-P


Bobbi said...

Evan, it's not WANT it's NEED!!!!!!!!

I was exhausted READING this post. You are one rocking mama for sure (and daddy and brothers!!) I would lose my mind.

I am sure that you will be ok with the fact that I ruined my computer when I spit out my coffee (my son is quietly watching TV while I have coffee and computer time----just saying:)) when I read about the no make-up and inside out shirt for a gathering!! Sorry :( Bu, I am sure you carried it off well.

I've been at this for 12 years and no, haven't finished a sentence!!!

Tracey said...

Oh how I feel your pain but you tell it so much funnier than it feels every day. Love their creativity on the hang gliders! I do agree that it's sometimes better to be out in public with them "entertaining" strangers than trashing our own houses. We will survive this summer right? Keep telling me it's gonna be okay, ok??
You can wear your shirt backwards and inside out if needed!

Hannah said...

I'm so glad to hear that other boys use their mom's bras as parachute.

I'm worn out and exhausted just reading this. I've often wondered what it's like to have children play by themselves. What would that be like?? I'm sure we would enjoy it...but we'd miss playing too...right? Please tell me we would.

ManyBlessings said...

I frickin love you!!! Thanks for the laugh today...lordy I needed it! :D

Amy said...

At least your bras are big enough to make parachutes out of- they could be using them for little army men instead! :)

Helene said...

I cannot believe how similar our lives are!! This truly sounds like a day in my life, right down to me pleading with them to let me take a shower in peace and quiet, only to come out and find them jumping all over my bed, wearing bras on their heads and shoving each other into the headboard.

I don't know about you but I'm plain tired!!!

Oh and the little twins are totally into Power Rangers right now....I can't watch the show without laughing over how bad the acting is. Right now, they love the Power Ranger Samarai show.