Sunday, January 10, 2010

Some good days...some bad days...

Some good days...some bad days...But either way, they are all wild days! 

I don't know if it twins, or if it would be the same with two 10 months apart.  I do know that as much as Austin and Logan are different, the one thing they share identically is wildness.  And maybe it's just a boy thing.  But I've met boys that enjoy sitting and reading books.  Boys that know the meaning of "walk" and use it as their preferred method of travel - as opposed to running.  Or Mom's least favorite method: "hold-hands, but -walk -backwards-or-drop-and-drag-or-try-and -do-flips-while-walking- through-parking-lots-or -malls" walk.  I cannot recall a time ever in the history of us walking together where they have just walked.  They'll lean out to the side, sort of making a triangle with my feet that results in their desired flipping.  They'll hop.  They'll skip, they'll pull.    But I've never actually witnessed a "walk."

And yet, thank God they're crowd pleasers.  87% of the time, they entertain those watching us.  They're always smiling.  Always saying "hi" and always, always, asking questions of anyone they meet - Why do you have cookies in your cart.  Why are you wearing a Dallas shirt?  Do you play basketball?  Blah, blah, blah - etc!  

8% of the time, I get the "holy cow - how are you still standing and sane" look.  I was never one all IN the sane bucket to begin with, but now-a-days I would not look at all out of place in One Flew Over the Cookoos Nest - in fact I might even have a leading role.

And 5% of the time - I get that nasty little scowl from a clearly childless person.  But my crazed you-have-no idea -what-my-life-is-like" look usually scares them off just a little.     ;-)

Yesterday was a crazy Costco run day. I went there, along with every other citizen within a 50 mile radius.  So double the crazy level right there!  During the shop-a-thon, as I was slinging my 3rd 4-gallon container of milk into an already overflowing cart, a kind gentleman walked by and over his shoulder laughingly informed me, "Um, your kids are writing all over themselves...." 

Excellent!  And it provided TONS of conversations/comments as I finished my shopping at the traffic jammed rate of 2 square inches per minute.  Four hours later, we were two carts away from the check out mile and Austin announced he had to pee.  SO glad he waited until the finish line was in sight to discover this urge.  Knowing that the cart wasn't budging in the trafic jam and also hoping to keep my space in line, I made the dreaded decision to unleash the children. 

Walking pass all of our favorite cashiers on the way to the restrooms was sort of like the walk of the shame.  Amidst all the busy-ness and chaos, we stood out as the crazy lady half dragging half chasing her self-decorated children through the maze of carts and clearly over-the-building-code limit of humans.

Public restroom use always seems to net the same result: my desire for a massage and rub down and to be honest, a hot toddy.  "Okay you're going go in this one, Austin?"  "No, don't go down there, Logan, come back here.  Go in this stall"  "Because it's closer to your brother."  "Wait."  "Hold on"  "Okay, no, get your pants down.  Down to your ankles. Don't pee on your shirt, baby."  "Logan, wait, baby don't pee on your..." "Because Austin, we don't have a change of clothes."  "Okay, Logan hang on - do you need Mommy to help you wipe?"    "Austin.  AUSTIN! - Wait!"  "I'm sorry you don't like 'ladies,' this is where you have to pee."  "Logan, honey did you get dressed already?"   open stall door to see Logan standing in the aisle with pants around his ankles and fingers in his ears (maximizing exposure) "Oh, sweetie, I know it's loud.  I know.  Okay, hold on.  It will stop.  Mommy will dress you."  "Austin WAIT - don't flush....."  "LOGAN.  Stop!  I'm coming."  "Austin, get dressed, baby."

And of course, my fahsionistas are wearing multiple layers:  backwards underwear (why, oh why do they put ALL the cool graphics in the BACK?), shorts (cuz we're basketball players), and then their pants.  Multiple tops too: basketball tanks, long sleeve shirts, sweatshirts.

Handwashing - repeat ALL of above commentary - because never forget that to a 3.5 year old, WATER is FUN! 

Throw in about five "Yes, they are twins."  "3.5"  "Oh, it's surprisingly easy to fuss at them (despite their cutteness)" "Yes, they are active, aren't they?"  "No, they don't ever really slow down."  "But they are good boys and I'm very blessed." and we're ready to re-enter cart chaos.

Again, I'm ready for a wipe-down.  Sweat is flying off of me.  My clothes are in disarray.  My hair is falling out of it's clip.  Not to mention, they don't serve wine in most public restrooms. 

And we begin:

"HOLD hands."  "Stand UP." "WALK!"  "I'm sorry."  "Excuse us - LOGAN, stand STILL."  "Sorry"  "Hold on, guys."  "WAIT!"

Back to the cart which is jetting out at an unnatural angle and getting awkwardly walked around by people who weren't even in line 30 mimutes ago.

Reinserting the boys into "lock-down" position.  "Up we go, Logan."  "Oh, it's Austin's time to go first.  Okay, Austin - up we go."  "Logan, don't climb up the side, honey.  LOGAN!  Wait."  Austin - get your feet in sweetie.  Scoot over, honey - not in that hole."   "LOGAN! (scaling the side of the cart), Wait!"  I gesture a "what-r-ya-gonna-do" look to the wide eyed folks nearby.  And continue with lock down procedures.      

They're in.  And I'm flinging my bulk items onto the belt.  And they're flingin any item within their reach onto the belt, too.

"My card?"  "Oh, right, hold on."  I begin the search - pant pocket, jacket pocket, outside purse pocket, inside purse pocket....all the while, still trying to save the eggs from the not-so-gentle fingers of my twins and also not loose sight/hold of the few coupons I've managed to keep track of during the 5 hour shopping trip.

Find card.  Save the eggs.  Finish the check out.

Remember to pull out an old "extra" receipt so that both boys get their "checks"  and smiley faces at the door.  More comments about their faces.  Add more layers (winter coats, hats and gloves).  Brave the cold.

Find the car. 

Unleash boys.  Relock down boys.  "Get in your car seat.  I don't know where your airplanes are.  No, you can't have a cheese ball.  Because I don't know where they are.  Get in your seat, please.  Because it's time to leave.  No I can't help you find your planes.  Because Mommy's loading up all the groceriers.   Hurry up.   Because it's cold.  Yes, there's the cheese balls.  No.  Because they're too messy for the car.  Get in your car seat please - Okay, Special Agent Oso's - to earn your Special Digi-Medal for the day, you have 10 seconds to get in your seat.  10....9...Mommy'll be right back.  Because I have to put the cart away.  Because there's a certain spot for carts.  Because....7....good job, boys. " 

Get in the car.  Drive home.  Unload everything.  Put away everything.

...Go clean up the cheese ball mess.


Guatmama said...

Sounds suprisingly similiar and my 2 boys are 19 months apart -BLESS YOUR HEART!

Deb said...

I really look forward to your posts. They make me smile! You are an amazing mommy and you are very blessed....even when they write all over themselves!! :)

Say, I didn't know Costco took coupons....when did that start?

Bobbi said...

I am in tears laughing sooooooo hard!!! I am sorry, but I am!! I can see all of this. Then, I cry because it is very similiar to my life, and I only have one Guat-tot!!!

One day we will long for those moments.......that's what grandchildren are for.

Love their body art!!!!

Hannah said...

I feel for you. I can't imagine two of the Monkey...a lot of what you are saying sounds just like her. I can't imagine two of her ganging up on me.

I Love those little crazy boys of yours!!

Tracey said...

Okay I am laughing/crying...too bad Van didn't accompany you too...please remember to invite him next time, it could only get funnier! That is awesome...sounds like a perfect weekend for you!

ManyBlessings said...

OH MY GOSH I SO NEEDED THAT LAUGH TONIGHT!!!! I love you girlie!!!! :D

Helene said...

Oh Donna, I'm laughing so hard I have tears pouring down my face. But I hope you realize I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you. Word for word, it sounds like one of my Costco trips with my kids...even right down to the last minute announcement of "I gotta pee NOW". And as I'm making a mad dash to the bathroom, I get a bunch of "are they all yours?" and "two sets of twins?"

Maybe you should try pinning a note to the back of your kids' shirts too with an explanation. Seriously, it might cause less frustration on your part!

But you know, the good thing is that our kids are so adorable you can't really stay frusrated for too long. And at least they did find a way to entertain themselves even if it did include drawing all over one another!

Steph said...

Hahaha! I am really impressed that you stopped to take a picture of their faces in the midst of this chaos!! I love it! And, I am SUPER impressed that you take them to the store You are my hero. I won't take Eli grocery shopping with me for any trip that may take longer than 20 minutes. He is out of control! I must be a big ole whimp! All I do in the store is say "walk (yea right), don't touch that...DON'T TOUCH THAT, sit down, stand up, stop laying in the middle of the aisle, put that back, COME BACK HERE, walk, don't touch....lather, rinse, repeat.

Anne said...

Oh man! I'm exhausted just reading your post :) But unfortunately, it sounds very similar to my shopping trips with my 3 kids!!

They say we are going to miss these days (right?!?!)

KiT said...

Hilarious post! I'm so glad you kept your sense of humor through it all - not sure I would have. Your sons are SO CUTE, but then I've found the more a-hem "mischevious" kiddos are! (Speaking about my own!);-)