1/30/07 Journal entry

01/30/07

Wow! What a week. We weren’t sure if we were coming or who were coming or when we were coming if we coming…should I stay or should I go now!!

Dad and I are worried about leaving Mason and Evan and a possible ambusch. We still don’t have PA. We’re flat broke and we want Grandma Barbie to meet you, too.

I had a great talk with Ed today and he assured me that you were mine. That you really will be coming home tome one day. I can’t tell you what a relief that is to mommy – HUGE! Believe me, it makes the waiting easier to know that you really are mine. ;-)

I feel so good right now, it’s hard to believe how bad I have felt in the last few days.

And I can’t believe you’re going to be in my arms again! Oh, how incredible!! I don’t know how I going to sleep between now (Tues) and Thursday!!

All the preparations we must get together. I’m so sorry we’re not bringing you home, but I know you’re happy where you are and I know you’re safe and sound until you come home!

Before I saw you,
I knew you were coming
And I was SO excited
The day I longed for

Would soon be here
And I wondered
God, how much longer?

The day I saw you,
I knew in an instant that you were mine
I couldn’t hold you, but my heart melted every time I looked at you
And boy, did I look at you often!
And I wondered
God, how much longer?

The days turned into weeks
Weeks turned into months
Every picture
Every video
Every tidbit of information of you
Was consumed on impact
Analyzed, cherished and reviewed daily
And I wondered
God, how much longer?

Then, came a day we had been waiting for
We could come meet you!!
Oh, we prepared for weeks
What to take
What would you wear?
We couldn’t sleep for days before our trip
And we thought,
God, thank you for this trip

And then, there you were
Real, alive and beyond any amazing gift we could have imagined
I tried so hard to see you through all my tears
I couldn’t wait to undress you
To see your toes, your belly, your cute little butt
You were wonderful

And we spent our days in heaven
And I wondered
God, can’t I stay longer?

All too soon we had to say good-bye
We had to leave you again
And I’ve never experienced a greater physical pain
Than on that day
……………………
And I wondered
God, why me? Why so much pain? How much longer must I endure this suffering?
We came home
And shared all of our pictures
And all our joy
And we prayed, and prayed, and prayed
God, surely, not much longer?

We watched you grow
We cried when we heard you were talking
We so wanted to be there on that special day
We cried when they said you were walking
We so badly wanted to teach you that
We cried at the injustice of it
God, why me?
I can’t take it any longer!

Mommy watched all the other babies come home.
Mommy watched all her friends have babies that weren’t even planned
We watched and we waited
We waited and we prayed
God, have mercy!

How much longer?
And then…..
And then….
Oh my gosh, please don’t lie!?!
Oh God, can I really go get my babies?
Today!?! Finally, today!?!
And I rejoice,
God, thank you, thank you, thank you for today!!!

Oh, sweetie -
I gotcha!
Momma’s got you, baby!
Oh, honey - Momma’s got you and I am not letting go!
I am right here, I will always be here for you, my child!
You, sweet, precious, little child of mine!

And on my knees, I prayed….
Dear God,
Thank you for this moment,
Thank you for this miracle,
for this baby,
Thank you for this most precious gift in the world.
Thank you, God
Thank you for choosing me!