Thursday, August 10, 2006

Pity and anger!

Gary and I are a little frustrated today with the paper chase. I don’t think we’ll be getting those DNA tests as quickly as we thought we would be. So, I’m not sure when we’ll be able to travel to meet the boys. Big Sigh!

But hopefully, we’ve got pictures coming next week and then the cruise and back to school stuff to keep us occupied for awhile, not to mention working on the nursery (and registering). So, we’ll try to stay positive and not focus on the frustration of it all.

The above was what I wrote on the blog.  Below is what I wrote in my journal!

August 10, 2006

ARGHH!! I can’t take it anymore! I’m ready to explode. Nothing is in my control and I am being childishly selfish in that I wanted this to go easy. I’ve already paid my dues. I’ve already suffered. I’ve already had my delay in gratification. I want my children NOW!

I am so angry, not jealous, but angry that other couples are ahead of us. I have no problem feeling unchristian thoughts, that they should be the ones suffering, not me. I’m the deserving one, not them.

I am angry that things are not being done as smoothly as they could be – I can handle bumps not in my control, but bumps that could have been avoided send me into epileptic convulsions – why wasn’t our 1600 form sent in sooner, why didn’t we know more paperwork had to be attached? Why did we get our referral so much sooner? The obvious answer is b/c Austin and Logan were meant to be ours. And don’t get me wrong – I’ll take it. I’ll take the delays and the frustration waiting for them. They’re worth it. It’s just the age old question. Why? Why me? Why did we have to wait, when others sailed by? Why are we suffering undo pain when God could have made it so much easier for us?

Pity party. Pity party. Pity party.

Last week, we went to a Christian concert and the lead singer prepared me for this week.

He said (and I paraphrase) that it’s easy to go to concerts and worship services and praise God and jump up and down in His glory, but it’s during the down moments, when we’re alone in our pain and questioning God that’s is when we need to be praising God. It’s easy to love Him when he’s doing great things. We need to love Him then, praise Him then b/c it’s in those moments that he pulls us up. We have to take the bad to get to the good. If it was all good, all the time – we wouldn’t know God.

Or at least, something like that.

I’m still mad. Gary and I talked. Stay true to the course. Stay true to knowing that all things happen according to His plan. That all is as it should be at this moment. This is the tapestry. There will be bumps along the way, but our eyes are on Dec 19th and it doesn’t matter what happens in between, we’ll get to the end when we’re supposed to.

Okay, pity party fading, but I’m still going to go sulk for awhile. ;-)