10/19/06

Not a word since Aug 27th. I started crying on Monday and just can’t seem to stop. I am overwhelmed at the loss of knowing my boys will not be in my arms at 6 months of age – a time I had assured myself they would be here by.


I am begging God for mercy. What purpose, what life lesion is to be gained here? Why am I the “chosen” one to suffer so? All around I watch women get pregnant “on accident.” Why is my cross so heavy to bear and why is it that I reject that cross so easily? I surrender, take it from me. Why when God could make it so easy (easy mind you in the sense that we failed at invitro and natural conception, easy in the sense that I didn’t get to bear my own children, or hold them at birth). This, he could have spared me. He could have me wait only a little while before I got them, I know He can do all things, if it was Hid will – my babies would be in my arms. What is Hid plan? Why the suffering? What good can come of this? My children are healthy and happy and bonding with someone else, they don’t even know that I exist – and I will be intruding upon their happy little lives after they’re well established into it and snatching them up from all they know, from all they’re comfortable with and love. What good is that? Why not choose a path less filled with pain? I truly believe my character is thick enough, I’ve have become an expert at patience and Faith – knowing that God will do what he has promised me. So why the extra burden? What benefits are gained by pushing me even further? Oh, pity, pity, pity party.

I know that God is my Savior, that Jesus carried a cross far heavier than mine. I am no martyr. I am not saving the world. I just want my child and I will do whatever God asks of me to get this end result. I thank God for the strength he has filled me with. I thank God for carrying me when I can’t go any further. He is my Savior and He will deliver me to my child. Thank you God for all your love and grace and mercy.

Mommy's First Shower

Well, and Daddy's!

Anne hosted a wonderful, wonderful shower for Mommy and Daddy and our loving and generous church showered us with so much love!

Bonus: Austin and Logan were there "in pictures."  So, so sweet to have them "participate!"